Want to Keep Your Man? Try Treating Him Like One.

“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.”- Proverbs 12:4

This past week, I witnessed a man become emasculated before my very eyes and all I could think is when will this man either leave or cheat on his wife.  No one should be treated or spoken to in the manner in which this man had.  His wife answered questions which were directed to him, snapped at him when he didn’t know the answer and became extremely rude to him as well as the person assisting them.  From the time the couple came into the facility, you could already tell who was in control of that relationship and it sure wasn’t him.  I believe that the man is the head of the house, but both the man and woman should work together and not control one another, in order for the house to run smoothly.  Just by my experience of being in a controlling marriage, I knew exactly what was going on.35126-thorn-in-the-flesh-1200.1200w.tn

By just observing them, you could tell that the wife felt that she was the head of the house and was extremely nasty and rude to both her husband as well as the person assisting them.   She spoke down to him and made him feel inadequate.  I was embarrassed for him.   Deep inside, I wanted to shake him up a little and say, “Wake up!  Get Out!”  But, that’s not my business nor my place to intervene in their marriage or anyone else’s.   I just feel that there isn’t a lot of emphasis placed on men that are being abused by their wives.  They love them and care for them and don’t want to hurt them, but when is enough, enough?  When do you stand up for yourself? That’s a question that even I can’t answer.

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I could tell that he was an extremely patient man and a kind-hearted person (Lord knows he was to deal with her).  Unfortunately, these are usually the ones that end up being taken advantage and used.  All I could think to myself is this man is going to have a breaking point and that breaking point is going to entail him seeking solace with another woman.  A woman who will treat him like a man and boost his confidence and self-esteem.  Now, maybe his wife was raised in a household that was abusive or maybe she experienced it an a previous relationship.  Either way, no one deserves to be treated as though they are illiterate, insignificant beings.

I’ve become an unofficial advocate for both men and women who are being abused and mistreated.  I want them to know that they are loved and are worthy or being treated with love and respect.  They don’t deserve to be mistreated.   I, myself was in an abusive marriage.   I was a bit bitter, scared and afraid of men because of what had been done to me.  But I realized that all men aren’t like my ex and conditioned myself not to compare every man I met to him.  Every man is different.  I sure wouldn’t want to be compared to any other woman.  In understanding and learning this, I realize there are definitely good men out there in this world.

Here’s what both women and men should do for each other. Compliment him.  Ask him how his day is going.  Lift and build him up; the world is going to beat him up both emotionally, psychologically and physically.  You don’t want for him to come home to battle with you.  Let your home be a sanctuary and safe haven for him.  Ask him to do things for you.  Yeah, I know you can do it yourself, but men love to be of service to their women.  Don’t take advantage of him.  Communicate your thoughts and concerns to him.  Be on one accord.  Be equally yoked. Pray together.  Encourage him.  Be a comfort to him; not a thorn on his side. Peace.c3148c9ff17bd81a5f21849c115e7447--woman-of-god-godly-woman

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When Family Attacks: Steps to Combat Attacks

fight2.pngFor over a year, I began writing a book focusing on how I overcame numerous adversities in my life to become the person I am today.  I would categorize it as being a self-help book; a guide to knowing your purpose, stop making excuses for yourself, be responsible for your actions and just DO IT!  I can make a lot of excuses for why I’m not this or why I’m not that, but at the end of the day progression will not have been made in my life.

See, I’m the type of person who has always been self-motivated and dedicated to ensuring that my family and friends feel happy and comfortable at all times even if I’m not.  I’m also the type of person that will give my last to someone on the street because I know that that person need it more than I do and God will give me back whatever I give away.  I rarely think of myself which is probably why I was always being taken advantage of, but digress.  In saying this, I recently had a conversation or rather an argument with a family member who attacked not only my book, but me as a person.  Now, what did I do to deserve such treatment you ask?  I know exactly as much as you the reader know what I did to deserve this.  But, I do know that after each argument, my head, neck, back, chest hurt.  I’m too young to be in all of this pain over someone else’s opinion on how I should live my life or how I shouldn’t share aspects of my life with people. fight3

The steps below are meant to be comical (I love to laugh and joke with people) however, it has a bit of seriousness in it.

Step 1:  Kick them out of your house!

Step 2:  Get yourself a glass of your favorite drink.  Trust me, you’re gonna need it

Step 3:  Distance yourself from that person by blocking their number/text, etc

Step 4:  Set boundaries.  High.  Really, really high. Make sure it’s high enough that they can’t jump over

Step 5:  Love them from a distance and pray to God that they will never enter your space again

Step 6:  Pray that they forget your phone number, your address any remembrance of you (use with caution cause it might just come true)

Step 7:  Any monies you lent them, just let it go.  You know you ain’t gonna get that money back so just forget it L.

Step 8:  Ignore their text/phone calls/emails/faxes/all and any form of communication.  Let them do them

Step 9:  Kill’em not only with kindness, but success!  “Thought I wouldn’t grow without you, now I’m wiser” (not in it the song but “Thought I wouldn’t be successful without you, but now I’m shining” J).

Please be advised that one of two things may happen.  Your family member may decide to permanently exit your life forever.  If this is OK with you, a call for a celebration is needed.  Or your family member may decide to examine their behavior towards you and decide that your relationship is worth more than fighting.  I can guarantee that either of these outcomes will change your situation.  For the better or worse is entirely up to you. fight1

 

Single Parenting Isn’t For The Faint of Heart

Single DadI decided to share something personal with you all.  I mean, I’ve been rather personal and transparent thus far, but not so much as sharing my deep feelings and thoughts about my #2 role in life (my #1 role is being a child of God) and that role is being a mother.  And not just any mother: a single parent mother.  It’s one of the toughest jobs anyone can have.  I was far from prepared for it.  Actually, no one is fully prepared to be a parent let alone a single parent.

I consider myself to be a very optimistic, positive person.  Mind you I said the majority of the time.  There are days when I want to rip my hair out or rather run away from home LOL!!  If I’m not chastising one child about teasing their sibling, I’m breaking up a fight or staying up late cleaning up after the kids decide to disappear.  But you know what; I wouldn’t change it for the world. pulling hair out

I honestly believe that it is one of the toughest jobs I will ever have.  It’s even tougher for me because I have more than one child.  No breaks, extreme exhaustion, working excessively, no time for yourself, etc. When your child is sick, doing your best to find childcare so you won’t miss a day of work or looking for safe and adequate childcare period!

I’m in no way shape or form complaining about my children because they are a blessing.  There are some women who are wishing and wanting this blessing and would do anything to have it.  I’m just speaking from a place of exhaustion.

Yes, there are people who judge single parents and assume that they are single because no one wanted to be with them or that they were promiscuous.  Now, this may be true in some cases, but not most.  It is a thankless, tiresome job.  I don’t think anyone intentionally aims to become a single parent.  I know I didn’t.  I met someone who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and who I thought I knew and who I thought would make me happy.  broken homeBut it wasn’t so.  I did things the so called right way.  I saved myself for I met the person I would marry.  I wasn’t promiscuous.  I followed his every lead and uplifted him. I lowered myself in order to build him up, to inspire and motivate him to lead the family.  But, it didn’t turn out to be that way.

Now, I’m left alone to raise three children.  I have one child who constantly is getting into trouble at school with authority figures.  I get so warned out with hearing about her behavior constantly.  It feels like I’m guidefailing as a parent when I hear the awful things she does and says.  When I hear something good about her I think they are lying because they are tired of giving me bad news and to spare her the punishment she would receive from me.  Years ago, I taught a group of third graders in Brooklyn during summer break and there was a boy in my class who wouldn’t listen and obey anyone.  Whenever his mother asked me if had behaved himself, I would always say yes knowing good and well he hadn’t.  If you took a look at the mother, you’d know that if I said he acted up, his butt would have gotten torn up before they left the school.  So trust and believe, my daughters teachers are probably doing the same thing I did.

There are times when I just need a break.  Just a break to breath, to think, to not hear siblingfightbickering back and forth over someone touching Legos, changing the channel on the television, begging to go outside and play, etc.  It’s days like this when I wish I had some type of help with them.

Most people consider me to be a very hard working, independent woman who does well for myself and children.  I consider myself to be that as well, but I need support and help just like anyone else.   I hate complaining and like resolving problems.  But the truth is, I really can’t solve this problem.  The truth is, my children will always lack in certain areas of their lives by not having their father.  So many things come with not having a father in the household that it’s just too many to name.  Psychological and emotional issues are some of those.

strongThis weighs on me tremendously because it feels like I’m part of the problem and reason why they won’t have a well rounded childhood like most so called normal families.  All I can do is do my best to raise them the best way I know how and trust and believe in God and know that he will support and love me.  He said in his word that he will never leave nor forsake me and I believe it.  I just want all of the single parents out there, I feel and know what you’re going through.  Just keep your blinders on and stay focused on God.  So next time you find yourself judging a single parent, take a moment and step in their shoes.  Don’t be judgmental!

And so,  this concludes my venting session.  Let’s go back to positive, encouraging messages😊.  Peace.

How Being Independent Will Leave You By Yourself

 

independenceFor a while now, this topic of independence has been on my mind.  I wasn’t sure how I was going to tackle this topic to enable women to understand that being independent to a certain extent is a sign of weakness.  An illusive wall that we have built up from years of being hurt, abused and taken advantage of by the men in our lives.  And for the good men who are out there desperately trying to conquer that wall, they have become overwhelmed, exhausted and have made up their minds that they are not needed and wanted by women.  Where do they stand?  What are they needed for?  It is time to let that wall down and to let the one who deserves you, who cherishes you, who honors you, to come in take hold.  Let’s talk about it.

Independence as defined by Merriam-Webster is “Not requiring or relying on something else; not contingent an independent conclusion; not looking to others for one’s opinions or for guidance in conduct”.  To read this definition is heart breaking and riveting to me.  No one person is an island and no one person can live alone in this world without companionship, dependability on others, etc.  

Some of the reasons why women have become independent range from being hurt in the past by men who they once gave their hearts.  Experienced abuse at the hands of a male figure or they witnessed their mothers being abused by men.

In all of these examples, the main cause of women having an independent attitude has everything to do with how men treated them or the ones they loved (This is a whole different topic that I will discuss in a later article).  They became independent out of fear.  They didn’t want to become vulnerable and risk getting their feelings hurt all over again.  Now, it’s fair to say that being cautious and protective over your heart is normal and I don’t blame women for being this way.  However, not every man is going to treat you the way your father did, hurt you the way your uncle did, destroy you the way your significant other did.

Growing up, I always had this mentality that I didn’t need a man because what I witnessed was that all they brought with was hurt and pain to women.  All they did was treat women as gold diggers (if they didn’t have money and wasn’t successful) or do their best to break women down (if they did have money and were successful).  I wanted to protect myself, my heart from being crushed and so I stayed to myself and vowed to only be with the man I was going to marry.  Therefore, I wouldn’t get hurt or crushed.  Well, if you’ve read my book, you know that that wasn’t the case and I was burned so bad that it took years for me to recover.19655b8f76524dcfc11154c3b9d14e41--knowledge-quotes-wise-women

When my ex-husband and I were together, I loved being loved and adorned by him.  I loved being pampered and catered to.  I let my walls down and allowed him to come into my heart.  He not only broke it, he destroyed it.  But, I’m going and have been going through the process of understanding and realizing that every man that I encounter will not treat me the way he did.  Will not hurt me the way he did.  Ladies, give these men a chance to prove themselves to you.  Believe it or not, they are just as scared as you of entering into a relationship with you because they don’t know if you’ll reject them or hurt them.  Yes, men hurt too but show it in different ways.

For every thing that happens in your life, there was an event that brought that on.  It is up to you to decide that you want to either fix it and get to the root of the problem, dig it up and work on it or remain in the same state that you are in; bitter, alone and miserable.

Let these me be your knight and shining armor.  There is no such thing as fairy tales, but there are such things as happy endings and new beginnings.

So when you say you’re independent, really think about it.  Think about why you’re independent and how you got that way.  At the end, decide whether you want to change or remain the same.  The ball’s in your court.

I talk from a place of experience.  What I share with you, I’ve experienced.  In my short 34 years of life on this earth, I’ve learned that we are more alike than different and sharing yourself only allows the next person to expand on themselves and realize that they are not alone.download.jpg

So ladies, be independent when it matters and don’t let it keep you from getting the man you want.

Peace.

 

 

Go Ahead! Take a Risk!! You’ll Thank Yourself Later! :)

risk3Life is all about taking risks and I’m down for it!  When we walk outside, we take a risk in falling on the sidewalk.  When you wash your clothes, you take a risk in destroying them.  When you drive your car, you are at risk of getting into an accident.  With all of these potential risks, I wouldn’t be surprised if no one ever left their homes! Too many times we end up losing out on love, life, opportunities, adventure because we don’t want to take a risk.

But in taking risks, we gain knowledge and a better understanding of things and how they operate.  We grow both as individuals and as a collective unit.

I took a risk investing in various classes and business ventures.  Why did I do it?  Because I saw potential in the investment and felt that the long term results would far outweigh the immediate, short term risk.  I’ll share with you two business ventures I took.  One failed miserably and the other took off wonderfully.

A year ago, I was on a social media platform called Periscope.  Its main purpose is to connect and share your world with the world through live streaming.  Facebook Live is modeled after it and I have to say that Periscope is 10x’s better than FB Live (but that’s just my opinion).  I began following this so-called “life coach” who talked a good game and made you believe them by sharing their stories of abuse, tragedy, heartache, pain and used the name of God to entrap followers.  risk I felt as though I resonated with them and made sure I was in their scope every time she got on.  A few months into scoping, they decided to offer classes and courses for their audience.  I thought that this was amazing and felt that I would greatly benefit from their class and phenomenal advice.  I set aside money (I’m not going to state the amount due to confidentiality and not exposing them because they  are currently still active on Periscope, plus God is watching so they will definitely get what’s coming to them) for the class.  During the first class, I felt like everything was good.  It wasn’t until a month later that I felt like something was missing and wasn’t right about the class material.  As I sat one day confused, I happen to catch another scoper’s scope.  While listening, I began to realize that they were speaking of the same person I had purchased a course from.  The longer I listened, the worse my stomach hurt.  I became queasy and overwhelmed.  I had been scammed.   My heart sank and I felt like I had been robbed.  I took a chance with this person, invested a huge sum of money for their class and advice and had nothing to show for it.  This risk ended in failure.

My second business venture was a huge success!  Again, I was on Periscope when I was in a FB group whose sole purpose was to find ways to make money on Periscope.  I thoroughly enjoyed the class and felt like I had gotten my money’s worth.  Shout out to Ashley Ann, the administrator and host of this group!  Yes, her class was another investment I had made that proved to be a success; however, I’m focusing on another success story, a story that is currently in the making.

While in Ashley Ann’s class, I saw a woman who did a scope on how she retired at 26 and was sharing her story with the world.  I became amazed and interested in her story and was eager to learn how she retired at 26.  I rarely stayed and watched scopes that were longer than 10 minutes, but her scope was so captivating that I didn’t even notice that two hours had gone by.  I decided to get in contact with her because I was interested in joining her class and receiving a copy of her book.  Because I had been burned before, I proceeded with caution.  During our first conference call, we spoke for almost an hour.  She asked me questions regarding my life and told me how she got to where she was in her life.  Towards the end of the call, she told me that I could write a book on my life.  download (3)I was a bit taken aback because that wasn’t the first time I had heard someone tell me that.  I think she heard the hesitation in my voice and restated what she had told me and added that she could help me write it.  I was in a state of shock, amazement, everything!!  She told me the price and I immediately felt a bit uneasy.  I remember all too well how I was scammed just a year ago by someone who told me they were God fearing people and would help me.  But, something about her was different and I didn’t feel pressure from her.  She gave me a couple of months to think about it.  As I researched her background and read her book, I began to realize she was indeed the real deal.  In August of 2016, I took a huge risk and invested into her helping me write my book.  Her name is Asha Tyson and she was the biggest risks I’ve ever taken in my life. My book is now complete and is the key to my dream and goal of becoming a motivational speaker and coach.  If I hadn’t taken that risk over a year ago, I wouldn’t have been rewarded with this once in a life time opportunity.  This risk is far from over and for all the right, good reasons!

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I learned a lesson from both experiences.  Without risk, there’s no reward or lesson to be learned.  In the first story, I took a risk in investing my time, money and energy into someone for their service only to experience a loss.  I learned by this experience to always do research on someone no matter how many websites they may have, no matter how big of a following they may have on social media, no matter how many times they use God’s name.  I’ve learned to always ask former clients about the person.  People don’t realize how much word of mouth can benefit or hurt a business.    It may seem that I took a loss, but I actually had accumulated a gain; to always research, research, research and to go with my gut.  If it sounds too good to be true, it more than likely is.

I learned from my current business venture to not let past experiences influence your current situation.  Yes, I had gotten burned before, but if I had allowed that to stay within me and not to let it go, I would have lost out on one of the best opportunities I’ve ever had.  This is a huge risk that a lot of people have: fear of failing and repeating the past.  As much as it may hurt, we have to take risks to improve our lives, to learn lessons, to move forward in our lives.  If not, live and opportunities will always pass you by.

So, in conclusion, take a risk!!  You’ll thank yourself later! Peace.

 

Don’t Be Intimidated by Me. Let Me Be Your Motivation

creatorAs I slowly make my way to working on and focusing on my goals and dreams that I have for my life and the lives of my children, I’ve been approached by associates, friends and family expressing their happiness for all that I have accomplished.  Yes, I have indeed come along way, but I’m far from done.  For those of you who don’t know, I was homeless, on public assistance, jobless all the while raising three small children alone.  This was not the life that I intended to live nor was it planned, but there came a point in my life when I realized I had to leave a very volatile environment in order for my children to have a mother and that God would forgive me for leaving.

Now, looking at the title of this story, you see the word Intimidated.  Most of my family and friends and even associates know that I’m the least intimidating person in the world.  Let’s be honest: I’m a sucker for a sad story and tears (I almost always end up being taken advantage of) so how in the world am I intimidating?  I was told by a good friend of mine that people, women in particular, are intimidated by me.  I was a bit thrown off and corrected them by telling them that they meant men were intimidated by me.  They disagreed and reaffirmed what they had said: women are intimidated by me.  Confused and a little annoyed, I asked them why did they say such a thing and what drew them to that conclusion.  They quipped back and said because you are an overcomer.

Still confused and taken back, I decided not to pester my friend any longer for answers.  When I got home and put my children to bed, I began to think on what was told to me.  How in the world was I, little old Ebony, intimidating?  As I looked around my living room for answers, I thought back to the time when my children and I didn’t have what we currently have in our home.  Basic necessities and luxuries that most of us take for granted.  Such as a couch, bed, a television stand, a television, pots, pans, towels, etc.  See, when I go into deep memories, I always feel the feelings as though they are currently happening.  I began to feel overwhelming sense of sadness and even cried.  But as quickly as the sadness came, it went and joy came in.  Here I was in my living room with all of the things I hadn’t had due to being homeless.  I look outside and see my car, a car I was restricted from driving while in the volatile environment.  I look at my bank account and see my direct deposit from my full time job had been deposited so that I can begin to pay my bills.  I speak with my mentor, Asha Tyson, on the phone, discussing what content will be going into my book.  I get my children’s book bags ready for school the next day.  I was preparing my presentation for my leadership class.

I left out a crucial point in my story and that is most people had written me off and gave up on me.  Meaning, the DV situation had created a wedge between my family, friends and I that I felt was irreparable.  At one time, my younger family members were told to be like Ebony.  Yep, that didn’t last long once I was in the DV situation.  But, here I was someone who didn’t have anything to my name and with patience, hard work and surrounding myself with positive and encouraging people, I had accomplished so much.  To have done it raising three children alone?  That alone would drive some into a cycle of insanity.  I began to understand why my friend had said people were intimidated by me.

Life had thrown me more than a few curve balls, but ducked and dodged them and kept moving forward.  I didn’t make excuses for where I was in my life, but instead, took on the challenges and kept on going.  I didn’t sulk and say why me, I just kept on going.  I began investing in myself by taking classes both online and in person.  I began putting my children in programs where they would excel.  With the support of my friends, who I consider my family, I began to overcome my adversities. I began eliminating the bad and excelling the good.   I may be down, but definitely, not out!

I say all of this to say that I have accomplished so much when the odds were stacked up against me and so can you!  Don’t be intimidated by me; let me be your motivation.  Let my failures and successes motivate you in such a way that you won’t ever think about being down again!   Don’t be intimidated by me; let me be your motivation when times get hard and you want to give up.  Don’t be intimidated by me; let me be your motivation when people have turned their backs on you and you are up against the wall.  Don’t be intimidated by me; let me be your motivation.

When people ask me how I overcame, I tell them the steps I took to get there.  And then I say, “Edna E. Coleman raised me.”  In Ebonics, nuff said!  Peace.

 

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A Change is Coming…

changeOver these past months, there has been so much turmoil in our political arena.  Although I am very passionate about our political system, I will not address them in my blogs.  However, I will say that what has been going on in our political system is a much needed exposure of people and their hidden agenda.  Whether you like Trump or not, he is both directly and indirectly bringing things to the surface; things that, we as a nation, has overlooked for far too long.  It’s making those who have been silent for so long to take a stand

Many people are attributing all of these invisible changes that are happening to the “Great American Solar Eclipse”.  It will cut directly through the middle America which is so symbolic of how the country is at this time.  The effects of the eclipse can be felt both before and after the event.  It’s making those who have been silent for far too long, to take a stand on issues that they have ignored.  Rotting garbage doesn’t smell better everyday you leave it sitting; the smell just gets worse and worse until you take it out.

Everyday, there’s something new that we find out about; something that makes us say, “I can’t believe it” almost every single day.  I used to hear people say that Trump’s presidency would be good for America.  At this time, with everything being exposed, I truly believe this.  God never makes mistakes and he always takes what others think is one way and turns it around for his good.  All we need to do is trust and believe in him. Change isn’t coming; it’s already here.  Peace

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